Life is truly sucking right now. Every turn I make it turns out to be crap. The program I signed up for rejected me because my results from an online interview wasn't to their liking. Now it seems the content of the test will be more than just the stuff I have been studying and I don't know if I can hack the math and science stuff on the test. I signed up for unemployment and that was an experience. I felt so slog like being there wondering why me? But then again I guess you can say why not me? What makes me so special that I would't end up there? I keep trying so hard to be positive but stuff keeps knocking me down and I just don't know if I want to get up anymore. I just keep on thinking about Nai and what would become of her. After this morning it seems her being with her dad may be best cause her attitude just gets funkier as she gets older. I know I am being selfish in my thinking but shoot, who thinks about me? If I didn't think about me who would? Everybody is so busy thinking only of themselves. Everybody has their own problems and issues.
I don't know where to turn right now. I don't know if I should take that test. I feel like I will be wasting time and money now. I want a career not just a job like I have been languishing in these past years. There aren't any easy answers though. We are going to move in 3 weeks and I can't get a job now and then be trying to take off to take care of stuff when we move. I'm think I should try and hold off until May and then apply for stuff seriously. Shoot ain't no guarantee I'm going to get on somewhere now anyway. I keep seeing this job for fiber tech these last 2 weeks and I know I should jump on it but the pay is only 13 bucks and the job may be in Plano which is on the other side of Dallas which means driving in traffic. Other than that, I'm just shooting blanks in the wind with no hope. I'm feeling really down right now.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
exes
You know when you think stuff won't get any worse for you, an ex rears his ugly head and makes you feel like crap. I was already feeling crappy earlier today and feeling unsure of myself. When we got home from the movies, my baby daddy called and roped my into his drama. He wants to have vacation time to visit with the little one and I'm cool with that. But, he wants to rope me into his plans because he doesn't have a relationship with his kid and is afraid to be alone with her.
Well, when we ended things I felt like I don't have to do anything to make things comfortable for him anymore if it doesn't improve my state of life. It's like he wants me to go out of my way to make things comfortable for him so he can have an enjoyable time and whatever for me until he doesn't need me to be the middle man any more. Yes, he put it out there just like that. Well, that got me madder than a wet hornets nest. I basically just shut down on him and didn't act agreeable anymore. It's cool that he want to see her and do stuff with her but why do I need to be involved? Why when my life seems to be falling apart should I lay the foundation down for him so he can skate through and enjoy himself. I know I should forget him and think more about my daughter. She needs her dad but he is inconsistent and just wants what he wants and damn me it seems.
Maybe I'm just being selfish and not thinking all this through. I can't think straight while my neck and head is so tight. I can't even loose myself in entertainment anymore cause of other people and their noise, or my kid and her attitude. I'm feeling down again and I thought reading the books would make things better. Maybe I want this all to work out too fast. I don't know. whatever...
Well, when we ended things I felt like I don't have to do anything to make things comfortable for him anymore if it doesn't improve my state of life. It's like he wants me to go out of my way to make things comfortable for him so he can have an enjoyable time and whatever for me until he doesn't need me to be the middle man any more. Yes, he put it out there just like that. Well, that got me madder than a wet hornets nest. I basically just shut down on him and didn't act agreeable anymore. It's cool that he want to see her and do stuff with her but why do I need to be involved? Why when my life seems to be falling apart should I lay the foundation down for him so he can skate through and enjoy himself. I know I should forget him and think more about my daughter. She needs her dad but he is inconsistent and just wants what he wants and damn me it seems.
Maybe I'm just being selfish and not thinking all this through. I can't think straight while my neck and head is so tight. I can't even loose myself in entertainment anymore cause of other people and their noise, or my kid and her attitude. I'm feeling down again and I thought reading the books would make things better. Maybe I want this all to work out too fast. I don't know. whatever...
Sunday, February 14, 2010
still not sure
Well, another day in the adventure of my so called life. That was a tv show wasn't it? I think it was but I never saw it. Anyway, we went and saw the new movie Percy Jackson Lightening Thief. It was pretty entertaining. I really enjoyed it. There were some inconsistencies in the story line but overall it was good. I wasn't sure how old the star was supposed to be. I'm under the impression that this will be a franchise so they should have picked a younger guy to play percy unless they are going to push all these movies out really fast.
I've also started rereading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows again. I guess I'm undergoing some type of withdrawal from Harry and Co. I just love these books because JK really brings these characters to life. I feel like I know them. I fretted over Mad eye dying, when one of the twins lost his ear in the fight to get harry away from his old life and up to this point Ron has abandoned Hermione and Harry and they feel so lost without him. I sat up last night forcing myself to continue to read even though I was so tired. I wanted to keep reading but couldn't even though I know the story.
Why can't I do this for myself? Why can't I construct a detailed story line, plot and structure that will move people to want to forgo sleeping. Oh I feel it so deep in my soul that there is a story in me that needs to come out. I just keep, moving from story to to story and never finishing anything. This is so frustrating. Man, is there someone who understands me, want to be; I'm not even going to complete that sentence. I don't feel like whining tonight. Man that is a first. I thought I was a first class whiner.
Well, I guess that's all the non excitement for today, tonight. Maybe one day I will have something real or exciting to talk about. Oh well,
Laters,
I've also started rereading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows again. I guess I'm undergoing some type of withdrawal from Harry and Co. I just love these books because JK really brings these characters to life. I feel like I know them. I fretted over Mad eye dying, when one of the twins lost his ear in the fight to get harry away from his old life and up to this point Ron has abandoned Hermione and Harry and they feel so lost without him. I sat up last night forcing myself to continue to read even though I was so tired. I wanted to keep reading but couldn't even though I know the story.
Why can't I do this for myself? Why can't I construct a detailed story line, plot and structure that will move people to want to forgo sleeping. Oh I feel it so deep in my soul that there is a story in me that needs to come out. I just keep, moving from story to to story and never finishing anything. This is so frustrating. Man, is there someone who understands me, want to be; I'm not even going to complete that sentence. I don't feel like whining tonight. Man that is a first. I thought I was a first class whiner.
Well, I guess that's all the non excitement for today, tonight. Maybe one day I will have something real or exciting to talk about. Oh well,
Laters,
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Disappointment is a live and well
I meant to come back and share this little tidbit yesterday but I was down I just couldn't make myself get back on the computer. Like an idiot, I went and applied for a cashier job for some new grocery store. I drove 20 minutes to Irving and almost missed where this place was set up. This whole procedure is so humiliating. I was dressed pretty nice with a black sweater, long skirt with a thigh high slit down the side, not to worry it was appropriate, and I was wearing chunky heeled knee high boots. Well, I get there and I see folks in jeans and stuff but to kick it off, this one lady came in pushing a baby stroller and she was was wearing t-shirt and jeans. They make you watch some stupid video and fill out an application. I endured and turned in my form. Well, they apparently need people early at o-dark 5am to 10pm with open availability. I was informed I would be considered part time cause I was only available between 8 am to 5 pm. What are those not regular work hours anymore? Well, lets just say this was a humbling experience for me. I'm sure there will be many more to come as I traverse through the trial and tribulations of actively searching for a job.
Oh, and don't let me forget. I was also downed by a bomb shell that I was expecting but hurt my feelings in the worst way. My house will not have a warranty for the bullshit job that foundation company did. The boss of the place wouldn't even call me. He had his secretary call back. I get that I waited too long but I called when I first got the house and was turned down. I don't know who I can complain to or even if complaining will get me anywhere. I was so hurt and angry and I cried like a baby. I was totally catatonic yesterday and my daughter could tell but she continued on as I knew she would. Life is not for the faint of heart I learn everyday. I keep trying to find reasons to stay around and right now my kid is the only reason I'm still here. Sucks don't it.
Oh, and don't let me forget. I was also downed by a bomb shell that I was expecting but hurt my feelings in the worst way. My house will not have a warranty for the bullshit job that foundation company did. The boss of the place wouldn't even call me. He had his secretary call back. I get that I waited too long but I called when I first got the house and was turned down. I don't know who I can complain to or even if complaining will get me anywhere. I was so hurt and angry and I cried like a baby. I was totally catatonic yesterday and my daughter could tell but she continued on as I knew she would. Life is not for the faint of heart I learn everyday. I keep trying to find reasons to stay around and right now my kid is the only reason I'm still here. Sucks don't it.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Well, it is I again the owner of another blog spot that will probably not get any other pair of eyes to glance upon its depressing musings. My life as it is at age 40 is sucking. And when I say it is sucking it is sucking a BIG ONE!
Where should I start. First of all, I get laid off from my job at a leading retailer earlier this month. I won't say whom but we all know who this giant of retail is. Then in a panic I decide I am going to put my house of for sale. Guess what, my house is shit. For real. I've tried my best with this place but I can't handle it. I've let the driveway get all cracked up, I need new windows, gutters and siding, and the foundation is a monster ready to raise it's head at any moment. There are stress fractures in several rooms but it is holding it's on right now. To top this all off, the foundation company that did the work with the previous owners won't give me the warranty the previous owners neglected to transfer when I bought the house. This is all my fault big time. My realtor didn't know, the realtor working with the relocation company claimed he didn't know and I got screwed!! Now, these blood suckers won't let the warranty be passed on to me. I tried half-heartedly to get it 3 months after the purchase 3 yrs ago but was turned down then but I didn't push back. Now I'm sucking that big dick and it is gagging me like nobody's business.
Yeah, I'm doing some major whining but who cares. I feel like I'm hanging on my last leg here. I have no job and it doesn't seem like I will be getting a call from anyone but it has only been two weeks so the scary music hasn't started to get too loud but I can hear it lurking in the back ground. I'm pondering what to do. I'm having conversations with GOD and i know he has turned a deaf ear to me. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. All I know is I feel fucked over and I don't know what to do.
I joked earlier on facebook that I am getting my butt groove in place ala Homer Simpson and I'm doing a damn fine job of it. I had a major hissy fit, cried an ugly cry, almost choked on my on snot and asked GOD to finish me off. Either he ain't listening or he has something else in store for me. What I don't know. I'm trying to see if I should do the simple things floating around in my mind or wait to see what will happen. I'm going to wait for a little while but I can't wait too long.
Why you may ask? I have a kid to provide for. Yes, I have a kid that is probably going to suffer for my horrible decision making skills. You know, all this stuff I have, I asked for it! Damn, the sentiment that you should beware what you asked for is so totally true!!
I've been applying for jobs through job sites. I've done my bit of networking by emailing 4 people about ideas for a job. Yeah, I said 4. I'm only one speaking terms with 4 people in the god forsaken state (texas) and the ideas they gave me washed out like the dirt in my backyard. I have been looking through a women's magazine to get some ideas on making money and they are all falling short. This blog will probably get me know where also. Who wants to read about somebody else's misery and be depressed by the shit their lives are turning into. I guess you are thinking enough already, I know stuff is hard right now but at least your're not involved in some natural disaster. I know, thank god.
I'm out.
Where should I start. First of all, I get laid off from my job at a leading retailer earlier this month. I won't say whom but we all know who this giant of retail is. Then in a panic I decide I am going to put my house of for sale. Guess what, my house is shit. For real. I've tried my best with this place but I can't handle it. I've let the driveway get all cracked up, I need new windows, gutters and siding, and the foundation is a monster ready to raise it's head at any moment. There are stress fractures in several rooms but it is holding it's on right now. To top this all off, the foundation company that did the work with the previous owners won't give me the warranty the previous owners neglected to transfer when I bought the house. This is all my fault big time. My realtor didn't know, the realtor working with the relocation company claimed he didn't know and I got screwed!! Now, these blood suckers won't let the warranty be passed on to me. I tried half-heartedly to get it 3 months after the purchase 3 yrs ago but was turned down then but I didn't push back. Now I'm sucking that big dick and it is gagging me like nobody's business.
Yeah, I'm doing some major whining but who cares. I feel like I'm hanging on my last leg here. I have no job and it doesn't seem like I will be getting a call from anyone but it has only been two weeks so the scary music hasn't started to get too loud but I can hear it lurking in the back ground. I'm pondering what to do. I'm having conversations with GOD and i know he has turned a deaf ear to me. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. All I know is I feel fucked over and I don't know what to do.
I joked earlier on facebook that I am getting my butt groove in place ala Homer Simpson and I'm doing a damn fine job of it. I had a major hissy fit, cried an ugly cry, almost choked on my on snot and asked GOD to finish me off. Either he ain't listening or he has something else in store for me. What I don't know. I'm trying to see if I should do the simple things floating around in my mind or wait to see what will happen. I'm going to wait for a little while but I can't wait too long.
Why you may ask? I have a kid to provide for. Yes, I have a kid that is probably going to suffer for my horrible decision making skills. You know, all this stuff I have, I asked for it! Damn, the sentiment that you should beware what you asked for is so totally true!!
I've been applying for jobs through job sites. I've done my bit of networking by emailing 4 people about ideas for a job. Yeah, I said 4. I'm only one speaking terms with 4 people in the god forsaken state (texas) and the ideas they gave me washed out like the dirt in my backyard. I have been looking through a women's magazine to get some ideas on making money and they are all falling short. This blog will probably get me know where also. Who wants to read about somebody else's misery and be depressed by the shit their lives are turning into. I guess you are thinking enough already, I know stuff is hard right now but at least your're not involved in some natural disaster. I know, thank god.
I'm out.
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